My birthday is coming?
…if remain unemployed:
1. Stay unemployed (and happily fed) and be on my parent’s nerve until I am told to get my ass back home
2. Voluntarily head home and get a job - but have a 2-months detour to Europe
Recently I started seeing this great guy - has a cute face, has a nice sense of humor, and most importantly, shows a great amount of interest in me. It is still all very casual because I am too afraid to commit into something more serious.
At the same time, I am sleeping with this other guy…not often but still happens once in a while. Nothing alike with the other guy - this guy is a lot older, we have nothing in common and I am highly convinced that we are only having sex cause I am…easy. Yet, I still look forward to spend more time with him. Maybe because he is the first guy I ever slept with, maybe because I find it hard to believe that he don’t feel the same after I poured my heart to him. Yes, I broke the one and only rule of Friends with Benefits - never fall for them. To be fair I never told him I am falling hard for him. We started this ‘thing’ with him clearly stating we are not a couple and we will never do couple-y stuff. Heck, he didn’t even do anything remotely romantic that shows that he wants something more. I thought for someone as apathetic and cool as me, I would be able to handle it. Well I am almost right, I know he is not someone I would like in broad daylight (too different in personality), I know he is clearly having the upper hand in this ‘relationship’ for caring less, I know I must be really stupid for thinking something else would happen, so at least I am aware I am not as crazy as it seems. Yet, I am still hoping it is him when I receive text messages, hoping we talk about my favorite colour instead of the weather, hoping he likes my passion in life more than passion in bed.
Is it wrong that I would sleep with this guy who clearly has no interest in me without hesitation, yet I am so reluctant to put out for this amazing guy that has fallen head over heels for me?
As a woman that grew up in the 21st century with body issues, there is no middle ground - either you are fat, or skinny. With all the skinny-shamming around, I can’t help but to wonder who has it easier. The exponential raise in obesity results in the increase of full-figure women, which in turn makes it more common for one to say ‘real women have curves’, ‘men loves women with handles’ etc. So instead of making fun of fat people, the arrow is turning towards the skinny. Comments like ‘eat a sandwich’ and ‘you have a body of a 12 yo’ are tossed non-nonchalantly to them, thinking it was more of a compliment instead of an insult.
However, if I get to choose, if life is that easy, I would much rather prefer to be one with a low BMI index than the other. Skinny people always say they are being mistreated, having it hard because of all these skinny-shamming. But being fat is harder. You are always being seen as the one with no self-control because you can’t put down the cheeseburger, the greedy one because you can’t stop eating, the unattractive one because you have rolls.
I grew up as the fat kid in my family. My sister and brother was always getting ‘you are so pretty/attractive/anythingbutugly’ compliments, and I am always the receiving end of ‘you are so smart/cute/lucky’ compliments. (Well, I suppose its good that I have really good grades so at least I have some sort of identity at home.) It is hard when your nickname is ‘little fat sister’ growing up and it took a huge-toll on my self-esteem. Albeit I grew up as a happy and outgoing person, I became extremely paranoid when it comes to my body and have a love-hate relationship with food. My poor body, poor poor body, has been receiving nothing but excruciating, self-depreciating comment from myself.
Starting from today, I hope I treat myself a little better. I want myself to know it is ok to be a bit fatter from others, it is ok to have that cup of bubble tea and that piece of cake, as long as I am happy, and one day hopefully feeling comfortable in my own skin.
My life is now complete.
I know exactly what this is the moment we started talking - a sign of rebellious, a shout to non-conformity, a run-away from being the goody-two-shoes. It is clear that we are world apart in terms of everything, that we wouldn’t have met if it isn’t of a spur of coincidence and silly courage that led me wanting to know you more. It started of with nothing, but ended with me wanting more and more. I know love is not what I want, I just wanted something that belongs to ‘me’, something unpredictable, something brave and something that will leave me smiling when I think about it.